Never Mind, It Was Just A Thought

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My story is simple, my story some may call typical. But to me, my story is special. Growing up in a ‘broken home‘ had to be one of the worst toughest things I went through as a child. But from that, I learned and I became much more mature and much stronger. This motivated me to find some happiness and to be successful in life.

I had a passion and drive for knowledge, especially in music. I’ve done well throughout my years in school and my career processes. The satisfaction of fulfilling my parents hardwork and their aspirations as well as feeling a sense of pride and (hopefully) honor of successes. Sure.. I’m given all the glory about the successes that I’ve paved for myself. Because, being first had left me jaded and depressed. I won’t be able to living the life that I desire.

When people think of ‘first’, typically it means: you are responsible, head of the family, strong, hardworking, and smart. NO-ONE-UNDERSTANDS-MY-LIFE of being this kind of FIRST, so let me tell you the kind of first I had to endure. I’m the first point of contact for everything and anything that happens in the family whether it’s “direct family” or “extended family”, the first to experience and witness my parents separation and divorce alongside periodic parental arguments, the first to give up all teenage or young adult life to go find a job and help out the family instead of socializing or hanging out with friends of my age care-freely, the first to understand true sacrifice and hardwork through being frugal and having a part-time job in halfway through from my teenage phases till now. The first to sweat blood, tears and not being able to give up during potential mental breakdown moments (used to be called ‘bipolar disorder‘). I’m the first to having to give up anything and everything just to make sure my brother gets the perfect structure to his journey of successes because I’m supposedly more experienced and mature, I’m the first to sacrifice my own happiness through having lower access of freedom on spending money and carrying out duties compared to the second child: my younger brother (from different mom).

Maybe the children’s chant about “first being the worst and second being the best” is a sign of mankind in this cruel world. There’s two types of people in this world: the ‘1st’ and the ‘2nd’. And to be honest, I wish I was not the first! I wish I can just LIVE IN A SIMPLE LIFE THAT FULL OF LOVE AND SUPPORT! I wish I can be naughty for once and do whatever I want. But truth about life isn’t a fairytale or movie or drama etcetcetc whatever you named it! Life is full of firsts. Some people are just luckier than others. I’m beyond excited to see what my future holds, cause I’m that first to really believe in myself. Once again… I AM FIRST!

Peace, Love, and Happiness

Pamela Ingrida


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